one month
or in a matter of days
marks my two years of no self-harm.

it scares me to pieces.

i have three days of 2014 left
and i'm scared to pieces
in 6 month i have to apply for university / college
and i hope to god that i will get in
i'm moving on with life

i'm scared, i really am
but i have nothing to be scared of
a chapter of my life is closing and i need to begin on a new one
i need to say goodbye to all of my friends
who all happen to move to new places and begin on something new
without me
my worst nightmare would be that they will forget about me
and leave me stranded somewhere

dear 2014,

it all started out in thailand; i welcomed you with open arms, and with the hope of feeling better this year, and thar my depression would go away, so i could declare myself 'healthy.'
Later in January I celebrated my 19th birthday and the fact that I haven't been self-harming for a year. I was very proud of myself.
In February I got my heart broken by getting dumbed, but I managed to get over it by time.
In March I said goodbye to my psychiatrist and shrink. I was finally getting better and I had so much hope for the future even though I was on medication.
In May/June I finished four exams, and was able to move along to my second and last year of my education.
In July I went on a vacation with my family, and I was feeling anxious and stressed out due to the exams and having less than a year left.
August, school started again. I felt good.
But everything took a down fall from here. I ran into issues, and me feeling unwanted by so many.
I realised I only felt unwanted in my own skin and I took it out on everyone else, because that was easier.
September, I met some fucking douche who happened to break my heart twice in a course of two months.
In late October/start of November I started on my meds again.

It is December. And soon I have to say goodbye to 2014, who has brought so much unhappiness with it. But I feel better than ever; I know who I am, I know what I want.
I'm not happy, not yet. 2014 has taught me to take it slow, and listen to myself. And just because a guy breaks your heart, and you feel sad about it - that should not stop you from keep going. Take your time, and chill. But do not let a broken heart be your demise. Keep your heart open, and love everyone you meet on your way - you'll never know if that next person will return the love.
I also learned that drinking does not solve any problems at all. In a course of 2 and half months I have only been going out twice. For me it's a big fucking thing, especially when I used to go out almost every fucking weekend before October. Now it isn't the death of me if I don't go out. I'd rather stay at home, and chill.

17 days left. Thank you, 2014. Thank you for having patience with me.

sometimes i wonder if you can love someone so much that your love
will never die
and you can pick up the pierces again
over and over again

if that kind of love is possible
a love so deep
that it will never die
somewhat of a fairytale kinda love
''your one and only''
''your true love''

if that kind of love is possible
i want it
i want it badly
but on the other side
not really
because it means that one person can hurt you so badly
that you're never able to love again

you can't just walk into my life like that again
you can't just tell me that you miss me
and tell me that we should try again
i'm finally okay again
you can't just break my heart again
please don't break my heart again
i can't do that again
i'd rather slit my throat and rip my heart out again
before you get the chance of breaking me again
but oh boy
i miss you
i have missed you in the darkest of days
and wished you to be by my side
if you had been by my side through the last two months
you would have stopped me through going hell
and fucking things up

wishful thinking, ain't it?
why can't you just stay the fuck away
so i can't love you
i refuse to love you

today i made my student's cap, and i'm ready to order it, but the annoying part is that my parents have to pay for it, since i can't afford it
this month sucks, i have so much money i need to spend on pointless crap, so i'm gonna lose over half of my money on shit i can't touch right now
it's so fucking frustrating to know that i have to spend so much money and be fucking broke in december.

please go suck my fuck, i'm just gonna slip into coma soon and wake up in january instead

grow up
you're not a child anymore 
the scars on your arms proves the lack of improvement 
grow up 
your days as a child is over 
they ended the day your scars healed 
but your inner child is still fighting a battle
way too hard to win 
your true colors are starting to shine 
you can't keep killing the child in your heart
it won't make you more grown up 
it won't make you an adult
find your inner child again
let the fantasy start to grow again 
grow up with the child inside of your heart 
kill of your demons and listen to yourself instead
you are able to win
believe

grow up 
you whisper to yourself
but
remember the journey
and the scars you've made so far
they might be all healed up
but they are still stopping you from
growing up; growing older
you're drowning yourself 
disabling yourself from growing 
you just have to find yourself again
you lost yourself along the way 
too busy to grow up 
wait it out

My pain is a blessing in disguise
I feel it cutting, and its cutting like a knife
My pain, my pain is a blessing in disguise
I feel it cutting, and its cutting like a knife 

I will face everything and rise
Never gonna quit until I die
Angels keep falling from the sky
I take the broken wings and learn to fly
I will face everything and rise

x  

“A cut. That’s what I felt. Words can cut, slice, like a razor.”

You were my saviour, I was your sin.

What doesn't destroy you
Leaves you broken instead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can't take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the worlds getting harder to hold up 

It comes in waves
I close my eyes
Hold my breath
And let it bury me
I'm not ok
And it's not all right
Won't you drain the lake
And bring me home again?

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn’t change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you 

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much 

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do

x

sometimes i wonder who even had the honor of breaking my heart so bad that i turned
out so cold and distant
i don't know how to trust people
or to keep them in my life
i push them away because in the end
what do i have to offer them? i'm a wreck
but i know i'm so much better than that
since i keep asking 'why her? why not me? aren't i good enough?'
apparently not, i'm the one person whom get replaced after a while
it's like i'm cursed
''that one girl you date before you meet someone better''
like i'm just someone you have fun with until you settle down with someone else
no wonder i hate getting involved with new guys
because they leave
they always do

sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom to know that you're still alive
i have been shattered, glued the pieces back together and there is no chance in hell that i'll go back
to the same me which i was for 2-3 months ago
i'm growing up
slowly
and i'm okay with that, because i know i have to keep going in order to be a better self
than i was yesterday
and the day before that

all i want in life is happiness, my friends and family
i'm so sorry to those i've pushed away in order to get here where i am today
i'm sorry you're not a part of my life and happiness any longer
and i'm sorry that i'm not a part of your life anymore
i wish i was

i've realized that i've been dealing with my problems the wrong way
and today is the day that i'll find the right way again
i don't know where to start or where i will be in january or in august 2015
but that's okay
but the journey has begun
i may fuck up under the way but i'm only human

“When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart when that breaks it is completely silent. You would think as it is so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it is silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise it is internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That is what it looks like and that is what it sounds like a trashing, panicking, trapped great, big beast roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that is the thing about love, no one is untouchable.”

- Cecelia Ahern, If You Could See Me Now

i don't even think i'll survive my life and make it complete
i don't even think i'll turn 25
i'm not gonna make it, i swear i'm trying to survive
but the battle is long lost

5 years ago i swore i would never turn 18
or
that i would never turn 20
but look at me now
my 20's birthday is three months away
i made it till now
but it made me grow bitter
and so revengeful for those who've hurt me along the way

if i ever gonna make it
till i'm 30
i hope to god that he has saved me a seat in heaven by his side
or that the devil will dance along with me in hell
i don't belong anywhere or anyone
not even on this earth
it isn't my home

i catch myself looking at the sky
wishing to fly away with the birds
or
looking through the sea
wishing to swim away with the fish
to be one with earth
one day my restless soul will rest and a piece
of me
will belong to the earth

“I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.”

I will keep my head and heart above the waves....
And I'm sorry. I just, uh... you're not terribly important to me.

"The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly." -F. Scott Fitzgerald,

I am lost for words to say and write. I've been staring blankly at my computer screen for way too long and tried to figure out what to say, but nothing comes to mind. I suppose I'll never find the right moment to figure out my life. All I have is right now, and everything is a giant mess. But I'm okay with that, because I always seem to find peace in messy situations. And I've never been okay when life didn't throw crap my way; too silent and no problems to work out.
With problems so high I've managed to muddle through it all and still be okay. This sounds super fucking weird, but I like my life this way.

My hands, my hands are scarred by things I shouldn't have doneMy feet, my feet are weary from all the miles that I've run

I am a lion and I want to be free; Do you see a lion when you look inside of me?

#ifonly #poem

if only they knew half the shit i've done so far
all the times i've been hurt
and put myself in silly situations
i'm healthy as fuck, but yet i couldn't be more damaged
cheers to growing up,
i haven't learned shit from the past 5 years

if only they knew half the guys i've met so far
i'd be long gone
i've learned to keep my mouth shut
because which parent would want to know
what a fuck up their kid is?
someday i may have to come clean
about half the crap i've done
and about half the guys i've chased
who were no good to me

if only they knew
i've labelled myself as
the black sheep of the family
for far too long
it's my luck that i'm still breathing
i'll be more than lucky if i don't end up
as societies black sheep

if only they knew how much i'm fighting
to stay sane
but my mind has lost its sanity for far too long
it's pure luck that i'm staying sane for those around me
when i am losing my mind
on the darkest hours of the night

if only they knew
half the shit
i'm going through
oh, if only they knew

i wanted everything in the world
i wanted to do whatever it took
if i could do anything to bring you back
you have been gone for 4 years now
it'll never get easier on these days

i swore i would honor your last wish
but how did that go?
look at me now
broken but
yet
i'm happier than i used to be

you fucked me up
but one thing i've learned
love
can happen in the darkest of days
but you cannot save people from themselves

i will never honor your last wish
till i figure life out
it haunts me so much
all the shit i've gone through
seems like i haven't learned shit
from you

my life is a giant fucking mess, and i miss you dearly.
and when i reach this mood, i'll be drowning in alcohol and thoughts about
drugs, but i try not to, i try not to.

i still love you, and i am so sorry for being such as fuck up.

dearest person who is reading this;
i hope you're happy or will find happiness some day.
i hope life is treating you well and ain't too tough on you.
have faith, hope, and patience.
everything will fall into place and you will overcome your struggles.
if you haven't heard this yet - you are beautiful and i love you.
don't give up, stay strong for me.

you are loved, special and unique.

"I go through phases. Some days I feel like the person I’m supposed to be, and then some days I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette. I hope that on the days you find me and all I am are darkened lines, you still are willing to be near me."  - Mary Kate Teske 

"If there is unhappiness in you, first you need to acknowledge that it is there. But don’t say “I’m unhappy.” Unhappiness has nothing to do with who you are. Say: “There is unhappiness in me.” Then investigate it. A situation you find yourself in may have something to do with it. Action may be required to change the situation or remove yourself from it. If there is nothing you can do, face what is and say, “Well, right now, this is how it is. I can either accept it, or make myself miserable.” The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."  -Eckhart Tolle

I cannot believe I would have torn down my own life apart for you once. Where is the logic in that? 

haven't really been updating since forever since my macbook is now replaced by an oldschool windows laptop, haha.
but all i can be telling is that first school is over and one year left ! and i will be graduating and this chapter of my life will be over.
I suppose my life after graduation will be hectic. I have no idea what to do or what I want to become. But I will figure that out someday.
And my love life has been pretty ... non existent. But I will be updating about that in probably in month since there's this guy. Damn man.