“A cut. That’s what I felt. Words can cut, slice, like a razor.”

You were my saviour, I was your sin.

What doesn't destroy you
Leaves you broken instead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can't take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the worlds getting harder to hold up 

It comes in waves
I close my eyes
Hold my breath
And let it bury me
I'm not ok
And it's not all right
Won't you drain the lake
And bring me home again?

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn’t change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you 

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much 

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do

x

sometimes i wonder who even had the honor of breaking my heart so bad that i turned
out so cold and distant
i don't know how to trust people
or to keep them in my life
i push them away because in the end
what do i have to offer them? i'm a wreck
but i know i'm so much better than that
since i keep asking 'why her? why not me? aren't i good enough?'
apparently not, i'm the one person whom get replaced after a while
it's like i'm cursed
''that one girl you date before you meet someone better''
like i'm just someone you have fun with until you settle down with someone else
no wonder i hate getting involved with new guys
because they leave
they always do

sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom to know that you're still alive
i have been shattered, glued the pieces back together and there is no chance in hell that i'll go back
to the same me which i was for 2-3 months ago
i'm growing up
slowly
and i'm okay with that, because i know i have to keep going in order to be a better self
than i was yesterday
and the day before that

all i want in life is happiness, my friends and family
i'm so sorry to those i've pushed away in order to get here where i am today
i'm sorry you're not a part of my life and happiness any longer
and i'm sorry that i'm not a part of your life anymore
i wish i was

i've realized that i've been dealing with my problems the wrong way
and today is the day that i'll find the right way again
i don't know where to start or where i will be in january or in august 2015
but that's okay
but the journey has begun
i may fuck up under the way but i'm only human

“When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart when that breaks it is completely silent. You would think as it is so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it is silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise it is internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That is what it looks like and that is what it sounds like a trashing, panicking, trapped great, big beast roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that is the thing about love, no one is untouchable.”

- Cecelia Ahern, If You Could See Me Now

i don't even think i'll survive my life and make it complete
i don't even think i'll turn 25
i'm not gonna make it, i swear i'm trying to survive
but the battle is long lost

5 years ago i swore i would never turn 18
or
that i would never turn 20
but look at me now
my 20's birthday is three months away
i made it till now
but it made me grow bitter
and so revengeful for those who've hurt me along the way

if i ever gonna make it
till i'm 30
i hope to god that he has saved me a seat in heaven by his side
or that the devil will dance along with me in hell
i don't belong anywhere or anyone
not even on this earth
it isn't my home

i catch myself looking at the sky
wishing to fly away with the birds
or
looking through the sea
wishing to swim away with the fish
to be one with earth
one day my restless soul will rest and a piece
of me
will belong to the earth

“I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.”

I will keep my head and heart above the waves....
And I'm sorry. I just, uh... you're not terribly important to me.