Anyone out where? No? Neat. Top notch, bro.

Jeg er ikke den samme person længere.
Jeg drikker sjældent, jeg går sjældent i byen, jeg har yderst sjældent sex. Det er faktisk ret kedeligt til tider. Men jeg kan bedre overskue livet sådan. Jeg ser tingene mere .... klart? Det er ikke en konkurrence længere.
Jeg er dog træt af at blive sammenlignet med hvem jeg førhen var. Jeg er ikke sådan længere, stop så forhelvede. Jeg gider ikke bolle en eller anden dudebro med en lille diller, det er jo ikke fedt længere.
Det har aldrig været fedt. Ved du hvor meget alkohol det kræver? Meget. Min lever kan jo ikke mere.
Lad mig nu gemme pusten til når den rigtige idiot kommer forbi og overbeviser mig til at indgå i et parhold. Det lyder kedeligt, hva? Yikes, hvad satan er et forhold? Puha, tanken om ét lyder sgu træls.
Lad mig nu bare nyde min tilstand som single, som ikke får noget på den dumme.

Nok om det, - jeg er faktisk ret tilfreds med tingenes tilstand lige pt.
Måske har jeg ændret mig, men en ændring er godt. Man kommer videre.
Jeg er taknemmelig for at jeg ikke længere er teenager. Jeg er glad for at jeg ikke længere har en slutty fase. Jeg kan dog ikke længere tåle særlig meget alkohol.
Win/win?

Ja, nej, måske?

I've spent so many years in the dark and in so much recovery. The past three years has been a learning process. How to cope, how to move forward, how to stay on track and be happy and how not to lose hope just because you have a bad day.
2016 has been a very weird year, i've been angry, happy, puzzled, and everything in between.
It has been the year i've realised most shit and done most progress. But don't we all say that every year? I guess so, but that's a good thing. It reminds me that feelings change, you keep going and learning new shit about yourself and others. Life is weird, and you have to learn how to deal with it, and I don't really care much how other people learn how to cope, as long as they don't take their negative emotions out on everyone else.
And I'd like to make a bulletpoint list over the things I've learned and all that shit, because why the fuck not. This shit helps me be on track and make me remember all the good things that happens.

• Don't let a broken heart be your demise. You can move on. You're still the same person as before, and you are good enough. Don't let anyone tell you anything else, because people like to project their shitty feelings onto other people. That shit ain't okay. Remember to cry, talk shit if that's what you need, take time to recover from the break-up. Everyone moves on in different tempos, and nothing is wrong with you if it takes longer than expected. 
• It's just a bad day, not a bad life. Deal with your feelings today, not tomorrow. Sleep it off, cry (if needed), take your time, breath, try to remember the good things you've accomplished, listen to silly music, draw some shitty art piece and have a laugh about it, or do whatever that makes you happy. 
• Don't be afraid of change. You will not be a totally different person, just because you become happy and won't rely on your bad mood any longer. So fucking what if this band isn't your favorit band in five years? So what if you're happier? You'll be okay, and you'll be so grateful that you feel better and are on the right track.
• You'll friends, but you'll also get new ones who might be better friends than the old ones. Don't be sad or afraid of cutting ties if someone holds you back. 
• Remember to breath and smile. 
• Just because it takes longer to recover than others or you do things differently, it doesn't mean that your path isn't valid or that you're a lost cause. You do you, if something makes you happy, then fucking do it and keep doing it. If this thing makes you happy and makes you love life a little extra, keep doing it, because you're doing something correctly. It's all about learning the do's and dont's when it comes to recovery or whatever is holding you back in the given moment. Whatever works for you, might not work for everyone else. 

how fun it is when life has changed right in front of you, without even noticing.....
at least i'm happy now
at least i know my worth
and i'm so damn proud of my progress so far
and no, i ain't gonna be apologising for cutting you out of my life
i never knew who i was writing for

so far, so good
i'm writing for myself,
my past, present, and future.

i like have somewhat of a diary
to track my progress, relapses, and hopes for the future
remember when i was so close to giving up? were you ever scared for me?
scared that i never would open my eyes again?
that my parents would contact you and tell you the news?
i'm not sure that i was scared back then, but on the flip side... i might have been scared of the unknown.
I have been scared of being happy.
I have been scared of dying.
Everything scared the living shit out of me.

I've been three years self-harm free.
I'm almost done with my first year of college.
I've almost lived alone for a year, and I'm not planning on moving back home anytime soon.
I'm not planning on going out and getting shitfaced.
I want to continue life as it is, and hope for the best.
I want to stay happy and proud.
My well-being is important. Thanks to 2015 for making me realising that.
Cheers to 2016, I think this is gonna be my happy year. I'm recovering.
I've been off the meds for 6+ months, and I couldn't be more happy.
Finally, I love my life and everything in it. Of course, shit could be better, but
for fucks sake -- I'm happy, and I no longer want to end my life (something i haven't wanted for a solid 2 years, I think?)

Dear 2016, please be good to me. I have no intentions of going back to hell.
My body finally feels like a home. Don't you dare taking that away from me.
I've started something good here. And it feels pretty darn great when life treats ya well.

hvordan føles det at være rask, fysisk og psykisk? tror jeg giver op med at finde svaret på det, da det vidst ikke vil lykkedes lige foreløbig. 

endnu et skridt tilbage, så dette vil tage længere tid end forventet. og som det er lige nu, så magter jeg godt nok ikke sociale ting. 

basically, vil hellere aflyse alle mine fremtidige planer og komme på rette spor igen. alt andet vil bare sænke fremskridt, og vil virkelig bare ikke sætte mig selv i situationer, når jeg ved, at min hjerne vil lukke sig helt i, som så vil have en effekt på mine venskaber. 

wuhu, 5 år er gået, og er endnu ikke et skridt nærmere på hvordan jeg får det bedre :)))) 

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

When will you realize that? Stop beating yourself up about all your faults.

All of your imperfections and perfections --- why be hating on that? 

After all, who would you be without your smile, laugh, weird ass discussions, passions, music taste and all of your interest? Raise the finger to those who put you down for a character trait you cannot do shit about. I love you to bits for it. I love the way you talk, the way you get sucked into a subject - how passionate you become. I love the way you laugh and smile. I love how weird you are. Screw the rest, you are perfect the way you are. I appreciate you. I adore you. 

You are all of your faults, you are your good and bad days, you are the sunshine on a sunny day, you are the rain on a stormy day. Why would you change that about yourself? You make the flowers grow in the darkest of days. Because of you they grow up to become beautiful. Don't you dare changing that. You are so beautiful inside out, I wish you could see that. I truly do. I wish you would love yourself the way I love you. You are important, your smile lights up my life. Your presence is important in my life. You are good enough.

I'm right here,
Still looking after you
My presence is cold and distant
But I am still right here
Where I am supposed to be

As it is
I am staring blankly
at the empty pages
and at the pages filled with ink and tears
I've closed these books filled with long lost words and emotions
I've locked these books away, in a hope of locking a part of me
away
But the words are still haunting me at night when
I cannot sleep

Pen and paper are replaced by a blank page on a computer
For everyone to see
They see me struggle word by word
Trying to express one single feeling
My cold fingers trembling across the keyboard
With eyes closing in and out

I am out of excuses and
Words
I am still right here
Looking for you in the dark
Don't you remember how things used to be?
I have tried reaching out
I have stumbled upon old poetry
And the secrets you used to hold dearly upon your skin

As I grew older
I have realized why I let you go
I am not the same as I used to be
But I am still looking
In case I'll get a glimpse of
Who I used to be
and why I let it go

Endless wonders of my mind
is long gone
And I wonder why
All I can do is stare blankly
and hope to return to the endless
stories
I once used to write

You're scared, I can see you tremble

Shaking like a dog, shitting razor blades

Feel love shadows like a stranger 

Well join the club, yeah join the club

Do you think you're the only one who feels the way you do?

We're all fifty shades of fucked up 

Well join the club, yeah join the club

// i'm breaking down, and i feel so lost. i regret everything which happened between me and him, and i can't deal with this shit anymore, i caught the feelings. i'm sorry for being such a wreck. i wish i was better than this, and i wish i was a better friend who didn't fuck up all the fucking time. i'm so sorry for being such a cunt and such a failure. sorry, i'm so, so sorry.  // 

one month
or in a matter of days
marks my two years of no self-harm.

it scares me to pieces.

i have three days of 2014 left
and i'm scared to pieces
in 6 month i have to apply for university / college
and i hope to god that i will get in
i'm moving on with life

i'm scared, i really am
but i have nothing to be scared of
a chapter of my life is closing and i need to begin on a new one
i need to say goodbye to all of my friends
who all happen to move to new places and begin on something new
without me
my worst nightmare would be that they will forget about me
and leave me stranded somewhere

dear 2014,

it all started out in thailand; i welcomed you with open arms, and with the hope of feeling better this year, and thar my depression would go away, so i could declare myself 'healthy.'
Later in January I celebrated my 19th birthday and the fact that I haven't been self-harming for a year. I was very proud of myself.
In February I got my heart broken by getting dumbed, but I managed to get over it by time.
In March I said goodbye to my psychiatrist and shrink. I was finally getting better and I had so much hope for the future even though I was on medication.
In May/June I finished four exams, and was able to move along to my second and last year of my education.
In July I went on a vacation with my family, and I was feeling anxious and stressed out due to the exams and having less than a year left.
August, school started again. I felt good.
But everything took a down fall from here. I ran into issues, and me feeling unwanted by so many.
I realised I only felt unwanted in my own skin and I took it out on everyone else, because that was easier.
September, I met some fucking douche who happened to break my heart twice in a course of two months.
In late October/start of November I started on my meds again.

It is December. And soon I have to say goodbye to 2014, who has brought so much unhappiness with it. But I feel better than ever; I know who I am, I know what I want.
I'm not happy, not yet. 2014 has taught me to take it slow, and listen to myself. And just because a guy breaks your heart, and you feel sad about it - that should not stop you from keep going. Take your time, and chill. But do not let a broken heart be your demise. Keep your heart open, and love everyone you meet on your way - you'll never know if that next person will return the love.
I also learned that drinking does not solve any problems at all. In a course of 2 and half months I have only been going out twice. For me it's a big fucking thing, especially when I used to go out almost every fucking weekend before October. Now it isn't the death of me if I don't go out. I'd rather stay at home, and chill.

17 days left. Thank you, 2014. Thank you for having patience with me.

sometimes i wonder if you can love someone so much that your love
will never die
and you can pick up the pierces again
over and over again

if that kind of love is possible
a love so deep
that it will never die
somewhat of a fairytale kinda love
''your one and only''
''your true love''

if that kind of love is possible
i want it
i want it badly
but on the other side
not really
because it means that one person can hurt you so badly
that you're never able to love again

you can't just walk into my life like that again
you can't just tell me that you miss me
and tell me that we should try again
i'm finally okay again
you can't just break my heart again
please don't break my heart again
i can't do that again
i'd rather slit my throat and rip my heart out again
before you get the chance of breaking me again
but oh boy
i miss you
i have missed you in the darkest of days
and wished you to be by my side
if you had been by my side through the last two months
you would have stopped me through going hell
and fucking things up

wishful thinking, ain't it?
why can't you just stay the fuck away
so i can't love you
i refuse to love you

today i made my student's cap, and i'm ready to order it, but the annoying part is that my parents have to pay for it, since i can't afford it
this month sucks, i have so much money i need to spend on pointless crap, so i'm gonna lose over half of my money on shit i can't touch right now
it's so fucking frustrating to know that i have to spend so much money and be fucking broke in december.

please go suck my fuck, i'm just gonna slip into coma soon and wake up in january instead

grow up
you're not a child anymore 
the scars on your arms proves the lack of improvement 
grow up 
your days as a child is over 
they ended the day your scars healed 
but your inner child is still fighting a battle
way too hard to win 
your true colors are starting to shine 
you can't keep killing the child in your heart
it won't make you more grown up 
it won't make you an adult
find your inner child again
let the fantasy start to grow again 
grow up with the child inside of your heart 
kill of your demons and listen to yourself instead
you are able to win
believe

grow up 
you whisper to yourself
but
remember the journey
and the scars you've made so far
they might be all healed up
but they are still stopping you from
growing up; growing older
you're drowning yourself 
disabling yourself from growing 
you just have to find yourself again
you lost yourself along the way 
too busy to grow up 
wait it out

My pain is a blessing in disguise
I feel it cutting, and its cutting like a knife
My pain, my pain is a blessing in disguise
I feel it cutting, and its cutting like a knife 

I will face everything and rise
Never gonna quit until I die
Angels keep falling from the sky
I take the broken wings and learn to fly
I will face everything and rise

x  

“A cut. That’s what I felt. Words can cut, slice, like a razor.”

You were my saviour, I was your sin.

What doesn't destroy you
Leaves you broken instead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can't take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the worlds getting harder to hold up 

It comes in waves
I close my eyes
Hold my breath
And let it bury me
I'm not ok
And it's not all right
Won't you drain the lake
And bring me home again?

If I had a chance for another try,
I wouldn’t change a thing
It's made me all of who I am inside
And if I could thank god
That I am here, and that I am alive
And everyday I wake
I tell myself a little harmless lie
The whole wide world is mine

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you 

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much 

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do

x

sometimes i wonder who even had the honor of breaking my heart so bad that i turned
out so cold and distant
i don't know how to trust people
or to keep them in my life
i push them away because in the end
what do i have to offer them? i'm a wreck
but i know i'm so much better than that
since i keep asking 'why her? why not me? aren't i good enough?'
apparently not, i'm the one person whom get replaced after a while
it's like i'm cursed
''that one girl you date before you meet someone better''
like i'm just someone you have fun with until you settle down with someone else
no wonder i hate getting involved with new guys
because they leave
they always do