I'm right here,
Still looking after you
My presence is cold and distant
But I am still right here
Where I am supposed to be

As it is
I am staring blankly
at the empty pages
and at the pages filled with ink and tears
I've closed these books filled with long lost words and emotions
I've locked these books away, in a hope of locking a part of me
away
But the words are still haunting me at night when
I cannot sleep

Pen and paper are replaced by a blank page on a computer
For everyone to see
They see me struggle word by word
Trying to express one single feeling
My cold fingers trembling across the keyboard
With eyes closing in and out

I am out of excuses and
Words
I am still right here
Looking for you in the dark
Don't you remember how things used to be?
I have tried reaching out
I have stumbled upon old poetry
And the secrets you used to hold dearly upon your skin

As I grew older
I have realized why I let you go
I am not the same as I used to be
But I am still looking
In case I'll get a glimpse of
Who I used to be
and why I let it go

Endless wonders of my mind
is long gone
And I wonder why
All I can do is stare blankly
and hope to return to the endless
stories
I once used to write

You're scared, I can see you tremble

Shaking like a dog, shitting razor blades

Feel love shadows like a stranger 

Well join the club, yeah join the club

Do you think you're the only one who feels the way you do?

We're all fifty shades of fucked up 

Well join the club, yeah join the club

// i'm breaking down, and i feel so lost. i regret everything which happened between me and him, and i can't deal with this shit anymore, i caught the feelings. i'm sorry for being such a wreck. i wish i was better than this, and i wish i was a better friend who didn't fuck up all the fucking time. i'm so sorry for being such a cunt and such a failure. sorry, i'm so, so sorry.  // 

one month
or in a matter of days
marks my two years of no self-harm.

it scares me to pieces.

i have three days of 2014 left
and i'm scared to pieces
in 6 month i have to apply for university / college
and i hope to god that i will get in
i'm moving on with life

i'm scared, i really am
but i have nothing to be scared of
a chapter of my life is closing and i need to begin on a new one
i need to say goodbye to all of my friends
who all happen to move to new places and begin on something new
without me
my worst nightmare would be that they will forget about me
and leave me stranded somewhere

dear 2014,

it all started out in thailand; i welcomed you with open arms, and with the hope of feeling better this year, and thar my depression would go away, so i could declare myself 'healthy.'
Later in January I celebrated my 19th birthday and the fact that I haven't been self-harming for a year. I was very proud of myself.
In February I got my heart broken by getting dumbed, but I managed to get over it by time.
In March I said goodbye to my psychiatrist and shrink. I was finally getting better and I had so much hope for the future even though I was on medication.
In May/June I finished four exams, and was able to move along to my second and last year of my education.
In July I went on a vacation with my family, and I was feeling anxious and stressed out due to the exams and having less than a year left.
August, school started again. I felt good.
But everything took a down fall from here. I ran into issues, and me feeling unwanted by so many.
I realised I only felt unwanted in my own skin and I took it out on everyone else, because that was easier.
September, I met some fucking douche who happened to break my heart twice in a course of two months.
In late October/start of November I started on my meds again.

It is December. And soon I have to say goodbye to 2014, who has brought so much unhappiness with it. But I feel better than ever; I know who I am, I know what I want.
I'm not happy, not yet. 2014 has taught me to take it slow, and listen to myself. And just because a guy breaks your heart, and you feel sad about it - that should not stop you from keep going. Take your time, and chill. But do not let a broken heart be your demise. Keep your heart open, and love everyone you meet on your way - you'll never know if that next person will return the love.
I also learned that drinking does not solve any problems at all. In a course of 2 and half months I have only been going out twice. For me it's a big fucking thing, especially when I used to go out almost every fucking weekend before October. Now it isn't the death of me if I don't go out. I'd rather stay at home, and chill.

17 days left. Thank you, 2014. Thank you for having patience with me.

sometimes i wonder if you can love someone so much that your love
will never die
and you can pick up the pierces again
over and over again

if that kind of love is possible
a love so deep
that it will never die
somewhat of a fairytale kinda love
''your one and only''
''your true love''

if that kind of love is possible
i want it
i want it badly
but on the other side
not really
because it means that one person can hurt you so badly
that you're never able to love again

you can't just walk into my life like that again
you can't just tell me that you miss me
and tell me that we should try again
i'm finally okay again
you can't just break my heart again
please don't break my heart again
i can't do that again
i'd rather slit my throat and rip my heart out again
before you get the chance of breaking me again
but oh boy
i miss you
i have missed you in the darkest of days
and wished you to be by my side
if you had been by my side through the last two months
you would have stopped me through going hell
and fucking things up

wishful thinking, ain't it?
why can't you just stay the fuck away
so i can't love you
i refuse to love you

today i made my student's cap, and i'm ready to order it, but the annoying part is that my parents have to pay for it, since i can't afford it
this month sucks, i have so much money i need to spend on pointless crap, so i'm gonna lose over half of my money on shit i can't touch right now
it's so fucking frustrating to know that i have to spend so much money and be fucking broke in december.

please go suck my fuck, i'm just gonna slip into coma soon and wake up in january instead