how fun it is when life has changed right in front of you, without even noticing.....
at least i'm happy now
at least i know my worth
and i'm so damn proud of my progress so far
and no, i ain't gonna be apologising for cutting you out of my life
i never knew who i was writing for

so far, so good
i'm writing for myself,
my past, present, and future.

i like have somewhat of a diary
to track my progress, relapses, and hopes for the future
remember when i was so close to giving up? were you ever scared for me?
scared that i never would open my eyes again?
that my parents would contact you and tell you the news?
i'm not sure that i was scared back then, but on the flip side... i might have been scared of the unknown.
I have been scared of being happy.
I have been scared of dying.
Everything scared the living shit out of me.

I've been three years self-harm free.
I'm almost done with my first year of college.
I've almost lived alone for a year, and I'm not planning on moving back home anytime soon.
I'm not planning on going out and getting shitfaced.
I want to continue life as it is, and hope for the best.
I want to stay happy and proud.
My well-being is important. Thanks to 2015 for making me realising that.
Cheers to 2016, I think this is gonna be my happy year. I'm recovering.
I've been off the meds for 6+ months, and I couldn't be more happy.
Finally, I love my life and everything in it. Of course, shit could be better, but
for fucks sake -- I'm happy, and I no longer want to end my life (something i haven't wanted for a solid 2 years, I think?)

Dear 2016, please be good to me. I have no intentions of going back to hell.
My body finally feels like a home. Don't you dare taking that away from me.
I've started something good here. And it feels pretty darn great when life treats ya well.

hvordan føles det at være rask, fysisk og psykisk? tror jeg giver op med at finde svaret på det, da det vidst ikke vil lykkedes lige foreløbig. 

endnu et skridt tilbage, så dette vil tage længere tid end forventet. og som det er lige nu, så magter jeg godt nok ikke sociale ting. 

basically, vil hellere aflyse alle mine fremtidige planer og komme på rette spor igen. alt andet vil bare sænke fremskridt, og vil virkelig bare ikke sætte mig selv i situationer, når jeg ved, at min hjerne vil lukke sig helt i, som så vil have en effekt på mine venskaber. 

wuhu, 5 år er gået, og er endnu ikke et skridt nærmere på hvordan jeg får det bedre :)))) 

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

When will you realize that? Stop beating yourself up about all your faults.

All of your imperfections and perfections --- why be hating on that? 

After all, who would you be without your smile, laugh, weird ass discussions, passions, music taste and all of your interest? Raise the finger to those who put you down for a character trait you cannot do shit about. I love you to bits for it. I love the way you talk, the way you get sucked into a subject - how passionate you become. I love the way you laugh and smile. I love how weird you are. Screw the rest, you are perfect the way you are. I appreciate you. I adore you. 

You are all of your faults, you are your good and bad days, you are the sunshine on a sunny day, you are the rain on a stormy day. Why would you change that about yourself? You make the flowers grow in the darkest of days. Because of you they grow up to become beautiful. Don't you dare changing that. You are so beautiful inside out, I wish you could see that. I truly do. I wish you would love yourself the way I love you. You are important, your smile lights up my life. Your presence is important in my life. You are good enough.

I'm right here,
Still looking after you
My presence is cold and distant
But I am still right here
Where I am supposed to be

As it is
I am staring blankly
at the empty pages
and at the pages filled with ink and tears
I've closed these books filled with long lost words and emotions
I've locked these books away, in a hope of locking a part of me
away
But the words are still haunting me at night when
I cannot sleep

Pen and paper are replaced by a blank page on a computer
For everyone to see
They see me struggle word by word
Trying to express one single feeling
My cold fingers trembling across the keyboard
With eyes closing in and out

I am out of excuses and
Words
I am still right here
Looking for you in the dark
Don't you remember how things used to be?
I have tried reaching out
I have stumbled upon old poetry
And the secrets you used to hold dearly upon your skin

As I grew older
I have realized why I let you go
I am not the same as I used to be
But I am still looking
In case I'll get a glimpse of
Who I used to be
and why I let it go

Endless wonders of my mind
is long gone
And I wonder why
All I can do is stare blankly
and hope to return to the endless
stories
I once used to write

You're scared, I can see you tremble

Shaking like a dog, shitting razor blades

Feel love shadows like a stranger 

Well join the club, yeah join the club

Do you think you're the only one who feels the way you do?

We're all fifty shades of fucked up 

Well join the club, yeah join the club

// i'm breaking down, and i feel so lost. i regret everything which happened between me and him, and i can't deal with this shit anymore, i caught the feelings. i'm sorry for being such a wreck. i wish i was better than this, and i wish i was a better friend who didn't fuck up all the fucking time. i'm so sorry for being such a cunt and such a failure. sorry, i'm so, so sorry.  // 

one month
or in a matter of days
marks my two years of no self-harm.

it scares me to pieces.

i have three days of 2014 left
and i'm scared to pieces
in 6 month i have to apply for university / college
and i hope to god that i will get in
i'm moving on with life

i'm scared, i really am
but i have nothing to be scared of
a chapter of my life is closing and i need to begin on a new one
i need to say goodbye to all of my friends
who all happen to move to new places and begin on something new
without me
my worst nightmare would be that they will forget about me
and leave me stranded somewhere

dear 2014,

it all started out in thailand; i welcomed you with open arms, and with the hope of feeling better this year, and thar my depression would go away, so i could declare myself 'healthy.'
Later in January I celebrated my 19th birthday and the fact that I haven't been self-harming for a year. I was very proud of myself.
In February I got my heart broken by getting dumbed, but I managed to get over it by time.
In March I said goodbye to my psychiatrist and shrink. I was finally getting better and I had so much hope for the future even though I was on medication.
In May/June I finished four exams, and was able to move along to my second and last year of my education.
In July I went on a vacation with my family, and I was feeling anxious and stressed out due to the exams and having less than a year left.
August, school started again. I felt good.
But everything took a down fall from here. I ran into issues, and me feeling unwanted by so many.
I realised I only felt unwanted in my own skin and I took it out on everyone else, because that was easier.
September, I met some fucking douche who happened to break my heart twice in a course of two months.
In late October/start of November I started on my meds again.

It is December. And soon I have to say goodbye to 2014, who has brought so much unhappiness with it. But I feel better than ever; I know who I am, I know what I want.
I'm not happy, not yet. 2014 has taught me to take it slow, and listen to myself. And just because a guy breaks your heart, and you feel sad about it - that should not stop you from keep going. Take your time, and chill. But do not let a broken heart be your demise. Keep your heart open, and love everyone you meet on your way - you'll never know if that next person will return the love.
I also learned that drinking does not solve any problems at all. In a course of 2 and half months I have only been going out twice. For me it's a big fucking thing, especially when I used to go out almost every fucking weekend before October. Now it isn't the death of me if I don't go out. I'd rather stay at home, and chill.

17 days left. Thank you, 2014. Thank you for having patience with me.