#ifonly #poem

if only they knew half the shit i've done so far
all the times i've been hurt
and put myself in silly situations
i'm healthy as fuck, but yet i couldn't be more damaged
cheers to growing up,
i haven't learned shit from the past 5 years

if only they knew half the guys i've met so far
i'd be long gone
i've learned to keep my mouth shut
because which parent would want to know
what a fuck up their kid is?
someday i may have to come clean
about half the crap i've done
and about half the guys i've chased
who were no good to me

if only they knew
i've labelled myself as
the black sheep of the family
for far too long
it's my luck that i'm still breathing
i'll be more than lucky if i don't end up
as societies black sheep

if only they knew how much i'm fighting
to stay sane
but my mind has lost its sanity for far too long
it's pure luck that i'm staying sane for those around me
when i am losing my mind
on the darkest hours of the night

if only they knew
half the shit
i'm going through
oh, if only they knew

i wanted everything in the world
i wanted to do whatever it took
if i could do anything to bring you back
you have been gone for 4 years now
it'll never get easier on these days

i swore i would honor your last wish
but how did that go?
look at me now
broken but
yet
i'm happier than i used to be

you fucked me up
but one thing i've learned
love
can happen in the darkest of days
but you cannot save people from themselves

i will never honor your last wish
till i figure life out
it haunts me so much
all the shit i've gone through
seems like i haven't learned shit
from you

my life is a giant fucking mess, and i miss you dearly.
and when i reach this mood, i'll be drowning in alcohol and thoughts about
drugs, but i try not to, i try not to.

i still love you, and i am so sorry for being such as fuck up.

dearest person who is reading this;
i hope you're happy or will find happiness some day.
i hope life is treating you well and ain't too tough on you.
have faith, hope, and patience.
everything will fall into place and you will overcome your struggles.
if you haven't heard this yet - you are beautiful and i love you.
don't give up, stay strong for me.

you are loved, special and unique.

"I go through phases. Some days I feel like the person I’m supposed to be, and then some days I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette. I hope that on the days you find me and all I am are darkened lines, you still are willing to be near me."  - Mary Kate Teske 

"If there is unhappiness in you, first you need to acknowledge that it is there. But don’t say “I’m unhappy.” Unhappiness has nothing to do with who you are. Say: “There is unhappiness in me.” Then investigate it. A situation you find yourself in may have something to do with it. Action may be required to change the situation or remove yourself from it. If there is nothing you can do, face what is and say, “Well, right now, this is how it is. I can either accept it, or make myself miserable.” The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it."  -Eckhart Tolle

I cannot believe I would have torn down my own life apart for you once. Where is the logic in that? 

haven't really been updating since forever since my macbook is now replaced by an oldschool windows laptop, haha.
but all i can be telling is that first school is over and one year left ! and i will be graduating and this chapter of my life will be over.
I suppose my life after graduation will be hectic. I have no idea what to do or what I want to become. But I will figure that out someday.
And my love life has been pretty ... non existent. But I will be updating about that in probably in month since there's this guy. Damn man.